As I think most of you know, I fantasise a little about being the
Pioneer Woman.
The Aussie version anyway.
In reality, I fail miserably at this ambition…
Sure I take photos of people riding horses,
and document my life on the land…
and I suppose I can be quite
gourmet when it comes to
eating…
Creating cuisine of the level that Ree whips up, however, is a little beyond my grasp.
And documenting the creation of such cuisine…
Oh honey.
I am clueless.
..
So in true self-flagellating BB style, I bring you
HOW NOT TO BLOG A RECIPE: CINNAMON ROLLS
(
I would apologise to a certain Mrs Ree Drummond, but she is pretty much unaware of my existence!)
Firstly you set your laptop up on the old kitchen table in the corner of your kitchen, and search for Cinnamon Rolls. If you live anywhere but the USA, also make sure you have a site on conversion of measure at the ready. I learned that I have no clue what the heck a pint is the last time I attempted this sure-fire recipe.
It was not pretty.
Don’t waste too much time wondering what on earth that cable tie is doing on one of the kitchen chairs… remember it’s been there for months. It’s not hurting anyone.
Next, get you your very best cookware.
After all, you are sharing your kitchen with the whole Internet world, so best foot forward! Or, if you are like me, just pull out the oldest darned saucepan you have (regardless of the fact its handle disintegrated years ago).
Also try to keep the current cup of coffee out of shot. It helps with the polished, professional look you are shooting for.
Now get your sister to agree to be the hand model for your cooking shoot.
She won’t mind after you assure her that NO you will not put her face or body in the photos.
Then tell her to clean her fingernails.
She tells you to photoshop the dirt out if it worries you.
You agree (cross fingers firmly behind back).
Run back to laptop to check what on earth you are supposed to do first in this recipe.
Shout instructions to sister, who suddenly realises that she is going to be the one actually doing all the work.
Smile nicely at her.
Assure sister she has very nice hands, especially while pouring oil into handle-less saucepan of milk…
Next, get shot of brown sugar plopping into milk.
Realise how very groovy this looks.
Get another close up.
Realise how very groovy the plop is in close-up.
Get completely carried away with the ‘plop factor’.
Ignore sister’s eye-rolling activities.
Realise you have not done the obligatory ‘ingredients as a group’ shot.
Take a snap of the yeast sachets. Try to ignore the use-by date. I did.
Get a different angle of the handle-less saucepan….
you can never really document this too much.
It will keep you grounded and possibly be an effective hint to your man that you need some new cookware for Christmas…
Realise that naked flame photos are always good…
then get a bit distracted by how much better your kitchen looks reflected on the side of an old saucepan.
Snap out of it.
Then realise sister is actually continuing on with the cooking without you.
The minx.
Randomly snap away at the action…
(Silently note that Ree would NEVER show the crap accumulated in the background of her action shots!)
Try for a slightly better angle.
(Floor even looks clean with enough bokeh involved!)
Chuck in a groovy action photo…
(this is totally deliberate blurring of the stirring… hey, that rhymes!)
Run back to laptop to check at what point the recipe turns into porridge…
Slump shoulders dejectedly upon realising that Ree would never allow such a lumpy mess into her kitchen, let alone her blog…
Then watch in fascination as one’s
darling sister bends her elbow to the task at hand to haul back recipe from
brink of disaster.
Yeah, I know I PROMISED no faces or body shots, but I did
blur a little,
Jeanie…
that counts, right?
Time to plop dough onto bench …
try really hard not to ask sister do it again to get full effect of flour puffing up…
you’ll need her with humour intact for following steps.
Help roll out dough.
Forget to take photos of this step.
People have seen dough-rolling photos before, for heaven’s sake!
Then drizzle melted butter onto rolled out dough.
Run back to laptop and check recipe amounts for butter.
No, that was right.
Try to ignore arteries hardening just looking at the melted yellow drizzle.
Get shot of daughter’s mouth hanging open at the sight of cups of sugar being dumped on top of butter.
‘Cause she will LOVE you for it in about 10 years time.
Then help roll up verrry long dough rectangle…
And
try not to giggle like a
schoolgirl at the
giant,
um, sausage on your bench.
You are over 40, for heaven’s sake (oh, is that just me?)
Mix up coffee-ish icing concoction to pour over.
Try a close-up shot to make it look more tasty.
Fail.
While you are waiting for the buns to rise… take another photo of the mess.
Why should you be the only one to suffer the view of chaos?
Share and share alike, I say!!
Then try getting arty-farty with the rising buns…
and try not to giggle at that mental image.
How old are you again?
Get a grip, help cut up sausage, and try another camera angle of action…
Sorry.
Couldn’t help myself. I’m not Ree, OK?
*sobs silently and pathetically*
Then lift head in wonder as something permeates the room…
The smell as these babies are pulled from the oven, despite all the disgraceful mess and half-baked guesses at measures, and distractions with naked flames and plopping… is…
YUUUUUUMMMMMMMM…
You could possibly, at this point, sweetly ask your sister to pose with a soft, warm, delicious cinnamon bun, with the steam of her hot coffee wafting across the lense and her eyes closed in sinful anticipation…
or you could just know when to give up already.
And eat a dozen of them yourself.
The End.
PS Anyone actually wanting to cook these wonderful rolls should go here.
My sincere apologies if you were hoping for something useful when you read this post! But honestly, you should know better…
The End again.
Really.
Mix up coffee-ish icing concoction to pour over.
26 Comments
Gem
BB – you are hilarious! I made these at Christmas and they were just heavenly – if only I had thought to blog the process!!!
I’m coming out of the wood work again!
Heather
I love Pioneer Woman….But I also love Bush Babe! Usually lurk. But I felt I had to say it.
~Heather In Canada
A Novel Woman
I think I chose the wrong week to give up coffee….
Ah, well. It’s all good.
traceelements
Love it. Reality cooking and reality blogging. The cooking blog for the normal people!
Pencil Writer
I needed a good laugh. Thanks to you (and Jeanie’s assistance) I could almost savor the delicious smell wafting all the way here from Granite Glenn. Love your humor and writing and pictures. My how I love the fact that your kitchen looks a lot like mine. I’d often love to have a pristine kitchen, but I don’t think it’ll happen. At least other than sporadically. Again, I really enjoyed visiting with you today. I really needed it after our visits to the doctors.
Pony Girl
I can smell them now, I swear it! 🙂 Glad you had fun and got to eat a tasty morsel, too!
Leslie
Well, I think you’re the Australian Ree,
and I just loved your cooking! Yummo mate!
jeanie
Thanks for photoshopping the wrinkles from my hands there sister!!
If I recall, you weren’t the only one on the scoff.
dykewife
my recipe is way easier. it’s just a sweet roll recipe (like bread dough, but with more sugar and smaller batch – no stove top nonsense) with softened butter spread on the dough, brown sugar, cinnamon and then spread butter on the bottom of the pan, sprinkle more brown sugar into the pan, cut up the rolls and bake after they’ve risen. really, so much easier.
Debby
You know, when I go to Ree’s cooking blog, I feel small and inadequate. When I watch you and Jeanie cooking, I’m thinking, “Wouldn’t it be great fun to be there…” Oh, and PS, the cinnamon rolls look great. I’ll have to abandon my own recipe for once and give hers a try.
Bush Babe
Debby – gee thanks love. Y’know Ree actually checked this post out (just to prove me wrong!) and told me I did good, that her kitchen was messier, and that I didn’t put enough icing on. I’m gonna frame the email!!
DW – ‘no stove-top nonsense’… girl you are talking my language. Post it and I will come!!
Jeanie – is it safe to say I photoshopped NOTHING?? *ducks flying boot*. Love your work darl…
Leslie – you say the sweetest things. Not necessarily the most truthful, but totally the nicest. *sits up a little straigher*
PG – you have one super nose there girl! And yeah, we did have fun (the bathroom scales however put in quite a protest!)
PW – glad I made ya smile. That was the point!!
Trace – ummmm, define ‘normal’??
ANW – there is a good time to give up coffee?? Sorry darl. *cackles evilly*
Heather – gosh I love a good de-lurking. Welcome!!
Gem – welcome back sunshine!! Glad to see you steadinging after the fires. And glad I made you smile… sweet.
🙂
BB
Gina
Hey it doesn’t matter what it looks like getting there. It only matters what it taste like in the end. At least that is what I tell my self. I laughed through the whole post and then wished I had one to eat… They looked great.
Lydia
Thanks for a great post! I found you through PW and love you both.
Have a wonderful day!
M+B
What a fabulous post 🙂
Kelly
Those look delicious!!!!
Adventures of a Horse Crazed Mind
LMAO- Oh man! *wipes tear from eye* well…as we say here in Canada, “If they dont find you handsome they should at least find you handy”…That looked delicious, either way! And that was WAY more fun than some boring old recipe post! And I actually thought “sausage” before you wrote it! So there! (I am 26 btw:)
Leenie
Kinda reminds me of Lucy and Ethel, but with MUCH BETTER results. (I know you get “I Love Lucy”–saw it on Crocodile Dundee). Made me laugh out loud, which is not good since I am at work and the boss is just over there…”Hi, Boss! Just doing some research.”
But where are the raisins?????
Sabra
Great post BB. Loved it, funny and real. I love to read PW but it gets hard to feel connected with so many commentors. I don’t know how she makes it through 25,000 comments. Whew. So I just lurk there. Thanks for the smile.
Jan
What a hoot! You’re so funny. But the cinnamon rolls look wonderful. And the sound effects that go with your blog (“burp”) really make the story come alive! Thanks for sharing,
Jan (from the Oregon coast)
Danielle Michelle
Oh I think you did alright! Plus those rolls do look yummy!
Anonymous
Those rolls look absoluty DELISH!!! Thankyou for the afternoon giggle 🙂 I just bet Mrs Ree aka PW had a good laugh with you about this posting. Did you save one or two for Mr. I ?
signed
Theresa in ALberta
Tracey
Define “normal”? Obviously you’re normal, ‘cos that would be a normal M.O. if I tried to cook something like that. And judging by your comments, there are a lot of us “normal” people out there!
Jayne
LMAO
I love it!
One of the best recipes I’ve ever seen and soooooo spot on – how many times have I run back and forth to the ‘puter to convert measurements and to double, triple and quadruple check the recipe coz the mixture looked wrong LOL!
Woman in a Window
Nothing like a good dose of self-effacement early in my morning. Yer funny!
Anonymous
That is really funny so I am going to try cooking cinnamon rolls. Just surfing your blog. Axel has grown, take care from your NT travel buddy, Jane
Helz
Crack Up Funny… Keepin’ It Real… ‘Stralian Style !!!