Dear Dana…
I write this letter in my head today, as I drive the three hours home from our shopping trip. It has been mostly a good day, busily filled with jobs and the chatter of my children as we hurtled from shop to shop, from the dentist to saddler, computer repairman to grocery store.
…
I am tired. Tired from trying to sleep in a single bed with my daughter last night, from staying up too late waiting for her to go to sleep, from just being busy. But my exhaustion as I drive home is also caused by something else. A text message, actually. From your Mum.
…
You see, I know your Mum. I worked with her once – only for a short time, but it was enough to realise that we are kindred spirits. I am proud to say she is my friend. A whip-smart, pretty, easy-smiling, energetic redhead. A successful, centred, happy woman. She always makes me think and makes me laugh. Life has taken us half of my state, and half of her state away from each other. Probably eight hours drive away. Too far. Too far right now especially.
…
Your Mum sent me a text message today. I am rarely in mobile service range for an extended period, but had come to the Big Smoke to visit my sister for my birthday. I wanted to make the most of my rare access to the outside (mobile phone-using) world so I had sent your Mum a text last night, asking after your health. I guess I was expecting to hear how your chubby cheeks reminded her so of your big brother (a similar age to my Dash) and your big sister (not much younger than my daughter Violet). I got to see and stroke their sweet fat cheeks just hours after each of them was born. I missed that with you and I wanted to know it from her. But her return text did not tell me this news I was looking for.
…
As I sat behind the wheel of my car, ready to go into the next shop for my next shopping job, the phone beeped. As my kids played happily in the back seat, I flipped it open to read her message. And the noise ebbed and my mouth went dry, and my heart damned near stopped:
Sorry (it read)
I thought you might have heard.
We are living a nightmare.
Beautiful Dana died of whooping cough last week.
Just trying to cope…
She should never have got it.
…
There are rare and unexpected moments in your life, when you know your world has changed irrevocably. When you suddenly know that an extra cause has entered your life. Well that kind of moment happened to me today, about 9.30am, as I sat outside a sign shop. But my world hasn’t changed nearly as much as for my dear, dear friend and her sweet husband. Your parents. I know they are both strong, resilient people. They won’t understand just how strong yet. They certainly won’t feel very strong at the moment. But they are.
…
And you want to know something amazing – they are so incredibly selfless in the midst of their grief that they are already doing their best to help prevent any other little babies from being exposed to illnesses that should not be even present in our communities. Not in this day and age. Not when immunisation is available to us all. Already they are sharing their story. Of how you were too young to be immunised, but all your family were. Yet someone with whom you came into contact unknowingly carried a terrible preventable virus. And despite all that medical staff could throw at it, it took you. Your parents’ love and strength will save other babies – and other families – some of the shocking grief they are swimming in, half drowning in, right now.
…
The rain is sheeting across the windscreen, much as the tears slide down my cheeks. The windscreen wipers hurry to clear the view, yet my non-steering hand cannot keep up with the blur of the moisture on my face. I am so sorry, for myself, right not. For missing out on seeing a little girl I never knew. Will never know. Sorry that I cannot ever learn the curve of your darling cheek for myself Dana. It’s a selfish thing, my grief.
…
And I grieve for the loss of innocence in my friend, who will carry you beside this terrible hurt in her heart from this day on.
…
Know Dana, that I will stand behind her in her efforts to make some sense of your loss. Always.
Regardless of how much distance separates us at the time.
And my hugs today reach out across half of my state and half of her state, as if she was sitting here beside me.
It doesn’t feel like much.
It doesn’t feel like enough.
With love always,
Bush Babe
….
Toni & Dave now have a website in Dana’s memory:
18 Comments
Cactus Jack Splash
So sorry for your friends loss. You wrote a wonderful tribute, so full of love. Our prayers are with you and your friends.
dykewife
boy was immunized from the get-go. there was no way i was going to have him vulnerable to diseases that are very preventable.
i’m so sorry for your friends’ loss. the tragedy of that is incalculable. 🙁 damn.
Gem
Sweetheart – I’m so sorry for your friends loss and your own grief at this senseless loss. I have you in my thoughts, love g
Mom L
I teared up as I read your lovely letter to that beautiful baby. I’m sorry for you and her parents – I cannot imagine the pain of such a loss. I know your strength and spirit will help them.
With kind thoughts,
Nancy in Atlanta
A Novel Woman
Oh, I’m so sorry.
Both my daughters had whooping cough. One was fully vaccinated, the other only had one vaccine as a baby but she had an allergic reaction to it.
A year later, they both ended up getting whooping cough and the illness dragged on for months. I slept on the floor beside their beds, listening for every breath. It was sheer hell.
According to our pediatrician (who is head of the ER at the Children’s Hospital) the vaccine doesn’t prevent the disease entirely, but reduces one’s chances of getting it and supposedly if a child does end up sick, it’s not supposed to be as severe. In our case, the toddler who was fully vaccinated got the worst of it.
My heart goes out to you all.
Kate
Oh BB, how tragic for that young family. She is absolutely beautiful. I can not even fathom what losing a child must be like. But, i KNOW that Dana’s parents will be able to hold her again someday and that they will be a family forever. My heart and prayers go out to them and you as you are all suffering.
sues2u2
The loss of a child is something so heart wrenching. I cannot even fathom how they must be feeling although just as Kate said, I, too, KNOW that they will see their sweet little Dana again. I felt like I was sitting w/ you though while reading your post. I’m so sorry for all.
We sometimes just don’t realize what we’re doing when we reject something out of fear or ignorance. My sis didn’t want to immunize her son but since he’s adopted they had no choice, thank heavens.
Debby
Oh, gosh. This so marched off in a direction that I did not expect it to go. Seriously, BB, this is an important post, and one that I wish that every parent could read. Parents are questioning immunizations here, as well. My heart breaks for your friends. How painful to cope with not only the loss of your child, but to grapple with your own knowledge that it was preventable.
Anonymous
Lovely post BB. I hope some good can come from such an absolute tragedy.
Just a comment on immunisation from what I understand of it. Most immunisations don’t stop a person exposed to an infection from getting it, but are to help the immune system have the antibody patterns to cope better with whatever the disease is. Unfortunately that varies from one person to another depending on their system’s response – and how closely the infection matches the particular strain the immunisation covered. It is usually the best help we can have for many viral and some bacterial diseases.
However, the person who has been vaccinated usually will not be a ‘carrier’ of the disease, whereas the non-immunised person, although they may be lucky enough not to get ill or even realise they have the organism in their body can be a ‘carrier’ as their body has not had the challenge level needed to get rid of it and unwittingly infect babies like Dana. Some gift, eh!
There are always some risks with any procedure but isn’t it worth a little thought for a baby – or anyone’s child for that matter, and we are all someone’s child aren’t we?
My love and prayers to Dana’s parents. Barb
Deb
BB,
What an absolutely beautiful letter – the tears just came…..my heart breaks for Dana’s parents and for you as well. Such a terribly tragedy – I cannot imagine the intense pain and heartbreak you are all living with – I pray their faith and their memories of that beautiful child will give them the stength to endure their loss.
God Bless you all ~
Woman in a Window
ah shit, i’m so sorry for all…
Gina
My heart breaks for that family… Such a sad thing. My prayers are with you all.
Jayne
Such a cruel thing to happen.
I’m so sorry for your friend’s loss, BB.
(((hugs))) to you all.
Tracy
What a beautiful tribute to a beautiful baby. My heart goes out to you, and to her family.
Pony Girl
So, so sad. What a sweet letter, the way you wrote it….very touching. My heart and prayers go out to your friend and her family, and you.
Reddirt Woman
I have no words…
My prayers are with Dana, her parents, you and all those who loved and cherished her.
Bush Babe
It’s really, really important to note here that no-one should be worrying about ME. If I have evoked that response then I haven’t done a very good job of sharing this story… this is about MY FRIEND, and the shocking loss she and her family are dealing with. The shocking, should-never-have-happened loss.
That said, thanks so much for your words of support… I shall pass them onto her.
Hugs
BB
Jen at Semantically driven
What awful news – that poor family.